I haven't posted for awhile. The truth is I don't know what to say. On Monday the 18th of April, lungs from a donor became available and Brian went into surgery at about 9:00 pm. That was the last time we saw him alive. The surgery was very difficult and the surgeons had trouble stopping the bleeding. He died on the 19th. The time since has been a blur. Tons of friends and family have helped me to get through it all. He was buried on the 23rd after an amazing service. I miss him. I am scared. There is still a lot for me to do in this life and I am not sure I can do it alone. I am relying on my savior and my family and friends.

So Thank You to all of those who have helped so much. I appreciate all of you so much.

Reading Lips

Brian is doing so much better these last few days. He is able to get up out of bed with the help of physical therapy and he is awake and a lot more alert than he was a last week. So I have been communicating with him by reading his lips. Some words are so easy to understand like when he mouths "I love you", but others I have to ask several times and then it is mostly a guessing game. I know that he probably gets so frustrated trying to communicate this way. He does manage to get his point across one way or another, though.

Saturday when we were up he mouthed to Ashlee that she needed to get her grades up because he was getting new lungs and he wanted to watch her graduate. We both cried a little but it was so great to have him communicating with us.

I also have set up Skype so that Brian can talk and see the girls a little more often. It is hard for them to get up there and this is a way he can see and talk to them without having to drive up quite so often.

So here I sit watching Brian on the ventilator. He is trached now. It is so hard to be patient in this wait for new lungs. The whole family and many friends fasted and prayed this weekend for him.

As I sit here I wonder how much Brian will remember when he is healthy again with new lungs. Sometimes he doesn't seem to be very aware of what is going on around him although we can get him to open his eyes and he will mouth I love you back to me when I tell it to him.

I often wonder whether we are taking steps forward or backward but Angie says that she has seen other transplant patients just the same before they get lungs. He just needs to keep all of his other organs working well.

I miss talking to him the most, actually I should say that I miss him talking back to me. I can talk to him all I want, but he can't talk back. After 26 years that is pretty hard to take. I love him so much and just want him to be well.

I will post pictures when I have more time. Although he would hate that idea.

FREEZING

Mandi had her first ever track meet yesterday and of course, since we live in Utah, the weather was atrocious. It rained, it sleeted, it snowed and it was COLD. Mandi's events were the high jump, long jump, and the 100 and 200 dashes. She did great! She tied for first in the high jump, surpassing her best jump ever. She would do her jump and then run over and put her jacket and pants on. Then when it was her turn she would quickly take them off and then run do her jump. I think she really enjoyed the whole experience and anytime she is competing she is happy. I, however, froze. I finally went to my car and drove it as close as I could get to the field. Then with the heater blowing I would wait for her turn, jump out of the car, run watch and take pictures and then run back to the car to warm up. It wasn't much fun but worth it to watch Mandi do so well.

Back to the hospital!T

So Tuesday I brought Brian to the hospital AGAIN! They admitted him to his normal floor but later that night he became loopy from too much CO2 in his system and they admitted him to the ICU. I got the call at midnight and got to the hospital at 1am. He slept for several hours and then started fighting the BiPap mask and we knew he was getting better. He is now in a step down unit for intermediate care and we hope to go back to his normal floor later today! He is not great (never will be until the lungs come) but is doing much better than he was on Tues/Wed.

Goals!!

I know it is only Christmas Day, but my mind has already began to wonder about what goals to set for 2011. So number one is to be a better blogger, it is the only way my family will ever have any sort of written history as I am the worst journal keeper. Number two is to continue on with my weight loss (I took the month of December off). Number three.......................I don't know yet. I am sure something will come to mind as I continue to ponder.

?????

Okay, This blog thing is taxing my patience. Last week I worked for several hours trying to do something cute. I would get it all set up and then pull up my blog and it would be plain and empty. I finally gave up. Today I pull up my plain and empty blog and when I clicked on someone elses blog, the cute things I had been trying to use just popped up. I am totally baffled now.