I haven't posted for awhile. The truth is I don't know what to say. On Monday the 18th of April, lungs from a donor became available and Brian went into surgery at about 9:00 pm. That was the last time we saw him alive. The surgery was very difficult and the surgeons had trouble stopping the bleeding. He died on the 19th. The time since has been a blur. Tons of friends and family have helped me to get through it all. He was buried on the 23rd after an amazing service. I miss him. I am scared. There is still a lot for me to do in this life and I am not sure I can do it alone. I am relying on my savior and my family and friends.

So Thank You to all of those who have helped so much. I appreciate all of you so much.

Reading Lips

Brian is doing so much better these last few days. He is able to get up out of bed with the help of physical therapy and he is awake and a lot more alert than he was a last week. So I have been communicating with him by reading his lips. Some words are so easy to understand like when he mouths "I love you", but others I have to ask several times and then it is mostly a guessing game. I know that he probably gets so frustrated trying to communicate this way. He does manage to get his point across one way or another, though.

Saturday when we were up he mouthed to Ashlee that she needed to get her grades up because he was getting new lungs and he wanted to watch her graduate. We both cried a little but it was so great to have him communicating with us.

I also have set up Skype so that Brian can talk and see the girls a little more often. It is hard for them to get up there and this is a way he can see and talk to them without having to drive up quite so often.

So here I sit watching Brian on the ventilator. He is trached now. It is so hard to be patient in this wait for new lungs. The whole family and many friends fasted and prayed this weekend for him.

As I sit here I wonder how much Brian will remember when he is healthy again with new lungs. Sometimes he doesn't seem to be very aware of what is going on around him although we can get him to open his eyes and he will mouth I love you back to me when I tell it to him.

I often wonder whether we are taking steps forward or backward but Angie says that she has seen other transplant patients just the same before they get lungs. He just needs to keep all of his other organs working well.

I miss talking to him the most, actually I should say that I miss him talking back to me. I can talk to him all I want, but he can't talk back. After 26 years that is pretty hard to take. I love him so much and just want him to be well.

I will post pictures when I have more time. Although he would hate that idea.